I find myself turning in circles lately.
Bored out of my mind at times, with the capacity of doing something but devoid of all will... I sit, reading or whatesle. Blaming the weather, blaming shyness, blaming tiredness, blaming....


Though I have searched within what keeps me in, I dont believe I am so far successful. Some general themes emerge, but I doupt the reason to be single, as the reason probably feed on others; un cercle vicieux. Maybe its the season, maybe its the weight of homesickness, maybe its the lack of things, maybe its desillusions...

A fit of general laziness, disinterest, brought by... something(s).

Though things look bright! My new room is way better situated than before, the ceilling is curbed, taking the shape of the round roof! No more box-shaped chambers! The window takes the angle as well and i can stare at the stars from my bed when at night. Walls are more and more occupied by large tapestries or bands flags or pictures or postcards from the cities Ive visited. Visby, Stockolm, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Paris...
In two weeks I will be aboard a plane taking me to Warsaw and Krakow and than to Berlin. There I should meet my parents again, which would hopefully alleviate all growing feelings of exile. I look foward going back to Sweden this summer, to the western coast this time, and maybe even push to Norway. Also Slovenia rings quite well to my ears.

I deeply regret not staying longer to attend to Visby's Medelstidvecka a second year in a row. I promise myself I will go back again. Visby!!

And Stockholm... the thought alone brings back masochistic feelings. That will take a while. And when I think I get over it, I find myself preyed upon all over again with raging contradicting thoughts.
I was reading Trudy Cavanan's The Black Magician Trilogy lately and a certain interraction between two of the characters echoed perfectly my belief : ''[...] There isn't as much pain in life if you don't let yourself become entangled with others. But is that really living?''

Germans ask me here, what do you think of Germans? Arn't we cold?
I don't know what to answer. I am as much to blame as any straightfoward answer I could give, weither positive or negative.
So I read.

I met an Ukrainian yesterday. We started talking, just talking. It made me happy to have a voiced conversation again, in a language I master, with someone I dont know so that any possible prejudices on the person's character are not hindering the course of the exchange. The train came to station too soon, leaving the conversation unfinished and leaving me emptier it seems. I feel starved. I miss you friends....